finding the right thing to say

Everytime I find it in me to blog, I forget how to sign in. I guess that means I need to do it more. I'm sitting here at home on saturday morning. I tried to tell chloe and cam that I'm on vacation til noon. Didn't work. I thought it was a good idea at the time.

As usual, I have so much to say, but never know where to start. I went to a funeral last night. A very dear friend to our family lost his 24 year old son. Needless to say, i don't like funerals. like anybody does. I found myself just wanting to hug and hold people all night, even those i didn't know. I'm not usually a physically affectionate person. I never know what to say to people in these situations. I just want to make it better. Then I always kick myself after the fact for not saying the right thing. So this time I just kept asking God to give me the right words to help comfort these broken souls. All I could do is hug. I still stumbled over my words while looking into the eyes of people whose hurt i couldn't comprehend. Everytime I embraced someone though, something amazing happened that I have never really felt. I felt God's embrace closer than ever before. I felt Him use me to give His love to others. And each time I held another, I felt Him embrace me almost as if to thank me for not trying to "say the right thing" but to let Him work His way through me. Wow. After all of this, I found myself crying with a woman whom I don't know very well. She looked at me like she were waiting for me to say something like, i'm sorry or something you think you should say, and I almost did. Then all I could think or say was "The Lord knows what He is doing, as hard as it is to remember or understand in times like this , don't forget that He knows what He is doing" I am not trying to credit myself for saying something wonderful and legendary. I just get so amazed and excited when I let go and allow God to take over. I feel the need to tell everybody not for a pat on the back but for inspiration to others. I am not a pastor, or a really Holy person, which makes this all that much better. I am just an ordinary person definitely not of the strongest faith at times with an incredibly flawed past, present and future, but I was blessed with an ability to see and seize moments that God has set before me and for this I am more grateful than I can comprehend.
I have to admit I do feel selfish in that somebodies funeral ended up also being an enlightening experience, or did it just draw me closer to God?

I am so sorry for all of the family who lost an important and beautiful part of their world.

next time I look for satisfaction in a perfect cup of coffee, or wonder why I only seem to enjoy things under my own circumstances, I hope that I can remember the warm fullfillment God gave me through this experience that were under His circumstances. What a way to learn that I am not capable of creating satisfaction in my heart on my own. Humbling yet wonderful!